she's insiknifiken..

2005-03-25T00:00:00.000+08:00

lately it had been really draining for me.
both mentally and emotionally.
don't know why but things of the past keep coming back and disturb the normal thinking system and thus everything goes haywire.
and it's not of any good at all that studying for tests really gets to me.
i didnt sleep a wink last night, trying my best to review my lecture notes which is eventually to no avail.
actually the sleepless night was for nothing.
i could barely do the paper.
i just hope for a pass?
of cos the night was spent thinking about the usual stuff all over again.

today was a good day i must say.
despite having the test, the rest of the day was really lepak!
we were free from 10am onwards... all the way til 5pm which was the tentative starting time for the talentime.
so we took our own sweet time to eat.. and talk.. and camera-whoring...
it was really nice to destress.
was damn shagged due to insufficient sleep but managed to hang on til we (juliee, yanah, steff n me) went to the auditorium.
my purpose of goin was of cos to support a'an.
but realised there were more ppl i know who were in it.
there's fiza.. there's my fav 'drug addict'.. there's also my junior titus (is tt how it's spelt?)..
i had to leave by 745 for my driving and the whole thing had to delay.
started at 6. and in between contestants some dumb bands play.
and thus depriving me of the chance to watch aan sing.. and of cos eyelolly.
eyelolly sang! i got to hear abit cos yanah called me to let me hear.
and i asked julie to call me when aan sings.
so i got to hear bit of both aye.
eventho it could have been much much better to witness it on my own.
and as what i had hoped, aan and eyelolly won!
wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~ congratulations! =D
baik lah farhan!
i should have been there..... should have been there.... arghhhhhh!
nvm shall look out for video on sp's webbie.
and steff recorded it for me too!
oh well, i'm happy for them!

oh and i met my blogmate, rina!
haha.. thanks to the lucky draw thingie that i won, she recognised me by name.
small world. her bf's farhan's fellow competitor who won 2nd i tink. :)
and i got to see s.p.s.q tooo.

i wish everyday could be as normal as today.
worries aside, and im a happy girl.
even driving went smooth today.

cant take it anymore. i need sleep badly.
have a gooooooooooooood friday everyone!

2005-03-22T22:00:00.000+08:00

Name of the Student : NURUL SHIMADA BINTE J ABDULNASIR

Adm No : 0312556

Class : DOPT/FT/2B/01

21 MAR 2005

Name of the Company you are attached to:

NANYANG OPTICAL

Reporting Address:

9 BISHAN PLACE #01-12

******** SINGAPORE 579837

Person to report to : MS CECILIA CHIN

Period of attachment : 18-APR-2005 - 28-MAY-2005

Time of reporting : 11.00AM

maybe i should appeal to join the Batam attachment after all.

bishan doesnt sound good.

so out of the way.

what's more.. the liaison officer is... unpredictable.

i dont hate her. i'm just afraid of her.

eh whatever lah. i'm supposed to be studying for the life-and-death test.

2005-03-22T04:54:00.000+08:00

i could have studied instead of being online for the past 2 hrs or so.
i could have.
but i didnt. haha.
slept at 11pm and woke up at 230am and couldnt get back to sleep after that.

hmm.. today's test was passable.
wasted a bit too much time studying for a dumbly-allocated-marks test.
6 marks for a 3 word answer?
it felt good leaving the lecture theatre knowing i can pass it tho.
unlike the past 4 tests or so.
this thurs' test is even more crucial to pass.
it's a matter of life and death. haha!
but really! otherwise i can't go to year 3.
horriblebubble.

i shall go iron my clothes and mandi and off to school.
long day ahead of me i see.
mugging and mugging and mugging.

and it makes no sense, i could just pick up the pieces but to you it means nothing, nothing at all.....

2005-03-19T21:11:00.000+08:00

i'm sooooooo tired........
been out since 9am...
taught tuition to the 2 rascals...
went for mandarin class....
followed sis find her mat's bday present....
hanged out with her for a while....
wanted to head home... BUT i had to call mum n found out that she's in town...
so i just had to GATAL and meet mama in town...
went town to find her with her friends...
fooh.. makcik2 power lah jalan2 town singgah sana sini...
two hours later i was half dead.
i just had to pull mum away to go home.
but nooo.... we still have to buy food for dinner.
*faints*
and now what?
now i'm waiting for the time to strike 945pm to leave home.
gonna mug with darling overnight at the airport.
i bet i'll fall asleep before i even open the book.
ok ok... off i go now..

when i was in town wandering off on my own i was wishing somehow i'll bump into you when you finished work. my heart fell when i msged and you were already far off town...
ohwell... just not my luck i guess.

2005-03-19T08:10:00.000+08:00

another school week went by.

2 more school weeks.. 2 more exam weeks..

and everythin will be over.. NOT.

still have to spend the whole 'holiday' on attachment.

next 2 weeks will be hectic.

2103: binovision

2403: clinical opto2 theory

2803: contact lens fitting theory

2903: contact lens fitting practical

3003: TP + basic stats

3103: clinical opto2 practical

0104: contact lens complications

after which the major exams will come in.

must chiong already.

junqi and steff and julie and ginette: study after school everyday??

2005-03-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

where were you when i needed you most?
dont be there just cos u feel obliged to.
be there cos you want to.
i need you.
please put yourself in my shoes and feel what i feel.
if you're in my shoes you will feel the heart pain.
please.

2005-03-14T18:56:00.000+08:00

:'(

mindless rants.

2005-03-12T16:52:00.000+08:00

exams' in less than a month's time.
this semester had been disastrous for me.
i'm descending fast.
i think i passed only one test so far.
what am i still doing in school?
i wanna work.
no i'm not gonna give up. never will.
next month's gonna be attachment.
after which, life's gonna revolve around clinic and seeing real patients from out there.
just a year more.....

i miss working at neptune court.
the colleagues... the customers...
working there brought out the better side of me.
doesnt matter if what i got each month is peanuts.
but the friends i made along the way..... can never be bought with any amount.
the residents there... the security guards... the maids... they are my friends.
they sure made every working day full of smiles.
few days ago this indo maid smsed me and told me she's goin back home and never coming back...
i felt sad. didnt get to see her for the last time.
poor thing that one. mistreated by the employer.
i felt so angry whenever she shared with me how her employer treated her.
so unreasonable.

i wanna go back there to work.. but the location is abit out of the way.
i shall try SB next.
but time is not on my side uh.
when clinic starts i'll hv no life.
what's more with the final year project.
crap.

rang wo wang le ni shi shei.....

gratitude

2005-03-10T18:25:00.000+08:00

i'd like to express my heartfelt gratitude to these people.

to naddie, sam, izz, hedz, runni, ginette, mr irritating, aishah for lending me a listening ear and understanding it all... thanks for being there when i needed you most.

to junqi, steff, yanah, weiqi, julie for filling my days with joy and laughter which buried the sorrow i felt inside... u girls are the best.

to you -0608, for tolerating my disoriented feelings n such. and for maintaining the nice friendship with me. i need it. it really means alot to me.

and to everyone else who's there in a way or another. without you guys, i won't be able to pull thru. thank you. i love you all so so much.

2005-03-09T18:26:00.000+08:00

"i couldn't possibly let you see the tears...
the moment i turned away, they fell... one by one..."

//i'm weak, it's true
cos i'm afraid to know the answer...

you won't cry for my absence i know.

loser

2005-03-06T09:24:00.000+08:00

red-striped crumpler.
black casio exilim EX-Z40.
black MuVo Slim.
black fossil.
nice nike dunks.
$$$.

the damn point is, i need a job.

i'm just sidetracking.
sometimes thinkin of retail therapy works.
but this time it doesnt.

shoutout to self: get over it already, loser.

---------

you.

2005-03-06T02:51:00.000+08:00

" Without you my life is incomplete
My days are absolutely gray
And so I'll try
Let your heart know for sure
That i have so much more to tell you every single day

My life is incomplete
My rights are absolutely wrong
So wake me up before you leave today
Something i need to say
Cause there'll be nothing when you're gone..."

painful lessons

2005-03-05T18:10:00.000+08:00

arghh... been a tiring week!
am sick of starting school so early morning for 3 consecutive days in a week.
practicals suck, especially binocular vision.
i've been tryin to be good and be more serious in my school work, but it's futile lah.
most of the time i'm so drained mentally.
okay next week i shall try again. =/

had clinic practice this morning and then mandarin class.
supposed to be in school at 8 but left home at that time instead.
after which, went to meet blogmate mally for coffee at starbucks.
i lost a bet so i treated us rhumba fraps.
that setoopid barista cheated my money. hrmphs.
girl, it was really nice meeting you. sorry eh i talk so much. haha. good that you're feeling all better for both your choices and your rship. smile always aits! =)

met up with sammie, naddie, shafa n kakak yesterday.
Alhamdulilah, all of the A level peeps got a full cert.
aku pun tumpang gembira. =)
good luck in all your entrance into the Uni.
wah kengkawan ku becoming undergrads, while aku masih pelan2 kayuh nak dapat diploma.

to my angel*: is there no way we can be how we used to be? from the looks of it, not. sigh. hopeless, it seems. his words pricked last night. i don't deny i had been guilty of the past. but i'm no longer like that. the only thing i have of the sisters are memories. and maybe that's the only thing i'll ever have now. :'(

i was taught many lessons in life. painful lessons that is.

to you*: good luck with her. be happy always.

i am trying hard to be strong and fight it.
i hope this time i won't crumble and fall apart.

shoutouts to nana, ada, izz and hedzlyn: i miss you all very very much.

cinta tragika

2005-03-01T23:16:00.000+08:00

cinta tragika - dinodi

sesingkat waktu itu aku masih
dahagakan sesuatu darimu
sekila cinta ragu engkau masih
menidakkan perasaan rindumu

jikalau pelangi enggan bermain wewarnanya
jikalau mentari enggan berkongsi bebahangnya

barulah aku mengaku cinta kita telah musnah
barulah aku mengaku cinta kita kekal padah

ditelan kerakusan kenyataan kehidupan
dipukul kegagahan kepahitannya harapan

engkaulah lambang cinta karam tragika
akulah di bahtera cinta tragika

barulah aku mengaku cinta kita telah musnah
barulah aku mengaku cinta kita kekal padah

seteguh lagu merdu aku masih
menantikan kenangan yang baru
sekila cinta ragu engkau masih
menidakkan perasaan rindumu

nice song.

i'm obsessed.
and only you* know what i'm talking about.
i may just end up in a mental institution one day.
wake me up somebody.

-------

2005-03-01T06:02:00.000+08:00

maybe as your friend, i expected too much.
and i end up getting disappointed by your actions.
sorry.
i know it's your life.
and i do not have the right to interfere in whatever you do.

i long to live the days when we were better friends than now.

that is not to be i suppose.

promise me you'll take care.
and always remember i'm always there.
that's all i ask from you now.

to junqi dear*: you've always been a strong girl. keep going ait? don't let him bring you down. he just doesnt learn what he's missing. thanks for bein there for me despite having a bad time yourself. we'll all be here to stand by you no matter what. keep smiling dear. love ya.

2005-02-28T20:54:00.000+08:00

do you have any idea how disappointing it was?
no you don't.
being nervous isn't an excuse.
it was really carelessness on my part.
to think my strongest point became my weakest point at the crucial moment.
and i hate myself for that.
it doesnt help that practically the whole centre knows me, or rather, whose daughter i am.
the feeling's simply so sucky.
i feel like a loser.
total loser.
sorry dad.
i so can see the disappointment in his face, it made me feel worse.
and thanks bro for being so sweet as to come down just to give moral support.

and to you: thanks for spending the day with me.
dearest friends: thanks for comforting me.
love ya all.

ugly blog

2005-02-26T03:23:00.000+08:00

please bear with my ugly blog.
did this in the spur of the moment.
i will give it a makeover once i have the inspiration to.
just make do with this ugly template will ya?

it's 3 plus and i cant get to sleep.
last night's driving was madness.
i was driving so dangerously, i think my dad couldn't sit at ease.
there was twice or thrice i almost either hit the divider or bang into someone.
and that was my LAST revision.
good luck to me on monday.

MMSP05

2005-02-20T17:57:00.000+08:00

first of all, Congratulations to Julie dearie for being crowned Ms Singapore Polytechnic 2005.

last night was indeed an exciting event, as we're all there to witness the crowning of Mr and Miss SP.
what's more, the winner's our very own classmate.
and the first runner up is our senior.
way to go optometry!
despite being the smallest populated course in the entire school, 2 of the finalists-cum-1stand2nd-winners come from optometry.
i can't be any more proud. =)
for the male contestants, thought M3 could win and M4 could be one of the runner ups too.. but that is not to be uh.
M6 deserve to win i guess.

i love these girls to bits and pieces. <3

screwed driving.

2005-02-13T19:15:00.000+08:00

oh great.. i just woke up from a 6 hr sleep.
pig you say?
i didnt get a wink of sleep last night.
stayed up the night thru and then left home at 7am with dad for my drivin prac.
had breakfast with dad and into the car i went to take a short nap while waiting for dad to do his routine morning cleaning of the car.
by the time i feel darn lethargic. and of cos, somethin which goes without saying, i screwed up today.
yes at this point of time when TPtest is just weeks from now, i went haywire on the road.
there was this split second when i thought saw the red light.. and i happily and slowly stopped the car in the middle of that big road only to hear a pissed off qn from dad "WHY DID YOU STOP THE CAR WHEN IT'S GREEN LIGHT?!"
i must be mad really. or maybe it's just the lack of slp. or maybe it's just the clouded mind. sigh.
that was just one of the silliest mistakes i made today.
now i'm worried for my test.
i promise i'll have enough sleep and come with a clear mind for the next revision ok daddy?

school starts again tmr and i havent do a single shit with the 5-paged (or is it 6?) tutorial for CLfitting.
am i in trouble or what?
and i feel so sick.

life was good.

2005-02-11T23:06:00.000+08:00

i really hope it's you kak who tagged and not some ppl trying to be funny whatsoever.
and i love you too, always and forever.

---

mum and dad's back. how i miss them so eventho it's only been 3 days.
being alone at home surviving on only maggi sucks.
on a brighter note, i felt a brotherly love while i was sick.
he made me drink that cooling water and the cough medicine and called home from work to check how i was.
well that was certainly nice and oh-so-touching... after thus long.
it makes me miss the brother i had in him.
if you're in my shoes you'll understand why i'm saying this.

everything was fine. but it had to end that way. again.

i just have to pick this phrase from shafa's blog entry.

life was good.

i miss kakak.

2005-02-10T23:00:00.000+08:00

you and i,

we used to be so close.

we used to hang out alot at the esplanade.

we used to watch movies together.

we used to have lunch or dinner together.

we used to meet up after school to go home together.

we used to walk each other home.

we used to share many secrets, those we never told anyone else before.

we used to shop for things together.

we used to chill out at coffee bean together.

we used to sms each other reminding each other to eat breakfast or lunch or dinner.

we used to be there for each other ALL THE TIME.

we used to laugh and cry together.

we used to...

we used to.....

but not anymore.

what happened to the sisters?

i miss you, kakak. i miss us.

2005-02-05T22:17:00.000+08:00

i didnt get to take pictures of the man on stage!
i'm all so disappointed cos me and sis got seats far back.
it was far enough that even with the maximum zooming in of the cam he's super tiny.
and i thought taking pic of the big screen is better than nothing.
but. the damn camera shut down on me when i clicked to snap.
i swear i charged the batteries! sigh. but i guess they were overcharged that's why.
wish i had proper info about the whole course and career fair man.
maybe i was too ignorant as a student?
*tears hair out*
if i had known, we'd hv come way later, cos ppl who are real late got to sit on the floor in front of the stage. UNFAIR RITE!
okay fine i'll shut up yup.
am in no mood to say anythin more eventho there's lots in my mind to rant about.

take care all.
good weekend to you.

2005-02-03T20:52:00.000+08:00

clinical optometry was so screwed up! and it's 20%! and it's ICA! which means........ it's important to pass!!! and i'm not going to pass! REALLY! how to pass when i wrote utter rubbish for a.... 15marks qn? left a blank for a 9 marks qn? and more rubbish for more qns... but i really don't know how to do!!... oh crap. but you know what? i'm a happy girl today. slap me. but i'm just so relieved it's over. riteee.. only one test over and i'm happy. i need a head-banging. the ICAs this term's like so unorganised. all over the place. next tuesday's paper's a killer. worse than today's simply cos the whole module simply sucks. crap oh crap oh crap.

lalallala~ went town-roaming during break with the usual gang. fun fun fun fun fun :)
somehow the 5 hrs break seems to pass by so fast today uh. and off to school we went for prac..
izz dearie: sorry cant make it just now. will msg u when i'm free next week k! misses you very muches.
talk about missing. i miss you and you and you.
my girls + hedz + runni + ........

hmmm.
i wonder why do i always easily see other ppl's flaws yet overlook my own.
and when i eventually realised my own, the truth hits me.
that i am actually worse off than some ppl i may have critised.
i desperately need to be a nicer person, really.
i'm way too bigheaded, bitchy, mean and everything along that line.
didnt mean too aitez? pardon me ppl.
bbl.

2005-02-01T23:19:00.000+08:00

i feel refreshed! lol!
i actually stayed back with steff, chuanzi and yangting to.... study!
eventho i covered only one pathetic chapter.
[heh so much to be proud of shimada.]
its been eons since i last stepped into the lib, besides tt day during break.
the last was...... oh well. i miss the past, really.
when i was constantly at the library studying. [dont you stare at me like that. i did study okay?]

i'm looking forward to more study sessions with you guys man!
eating and gossiping while studying... shiookkk! =D
tmr will be another session. :)
junqiiii join us lah!

2005-01-31T16:36:00.000+08:00

the smart girl skipped school today.
yet again. yes. slap me.
it's just one of those days when the dislike for school is at its peak.
im not in the best mood and having a lecture with a b*tch is the last thing i need.
speaking of the b*tch, how could she hold a test on CNY eve when we're supposed to be on our week break!
thought of going for just the CLFitting lecture at 3 but at 2 i'm still in bed. heh.
steff//yanah//junqi//weiqi//julie: let's study after school someday(s)?
i need u girls to push me to study... =/

oh no daddy's gonna be back soon and question me why am i not in school.
i'm asking for it uh.

lessons missed so far:
2 binocular vision
2 contact lens fitting
1 contact lens complications
2 clinical optometry
1 (going to) basic statistics

note to self: no more skipping lessons next term.
*rolls eyes*

2005-01-30T02:45:00.000+08:00

ouch. can u hear it break?

---

i like this song.

---
never could imagine life without you
from the moment u walked into my world
never knew how long a loving flame could burn
but losing you has forced me to learn
that we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we just let it go
so lets have

one last kiss
one last touch
one last tender moment between us
one last dance to our first song
while pretending there's nothing wrong
lets stay here for a while and cherish every moment we're in denial
we both know its better if we just let it go

everytime i try to take a stand at all
i see ur face again and i fall
in the middle of the night there's a scent of a rose
the smell of your perfume i suppose
but we cant change the way we feel inside
and every try at love never turns out right
we both know its better if we just let it go
so lets have

one last kiss
one last touch
one last tender moment between us
one last dance to our first song
while pretending there's nothing wrong
lets stay here for a while and cherish every moment we're in denial
we both know its better if we just let it go

baby if we meet each other under a different sky
maybe then things would be much better between you and i
we can always hold on to that one special thing we share
but it would be too much for us to bear

---

and i'm sure you all like it too.

i am so gonna be a zombie driving on the road later.
i just cannot get to sleep. =/

2005-01-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

i'm not gonna be on hiatus after all.
soulsearching is easier said than done.
and i have no time to spare at all.
you know there's always some point of time when you just feel like screaming your lungs out to let off steam? when you just wanna rant non-stop and whine and cry and everything else along that line?
yes that's what i feel like doing now.
but then again.
i think i've been whining and ranting too much in this life.
therefore i shall spare you readers from being disgusted by me if you're not already. :)
spoilt brat. that's what i am whether you like it or not.

taufik will be coming to SP again.
i think fans from all over will flood SP.
and even as an SP student i don't think i'll have the chance to see him closeup.
SIGH!
nvm i shall just try my luck.
anyone willing to accompany me come like 3 hrs earlier?
skali sebelom subuh orang dah start flooding dover eh.
rahhhhh. don't think it'll be that bad. lol.

just one more week before the term break!
but to get that break there's two killer tests to get thru first.
:(

karma

2005-01-25T22:28:00.000+08:00

did i sound bitchy in my last entry?
heh. don't know why me and my mates turned so bitchy lately.
actually i do know why.
cos lately ppl around us are being thorns in our fleshes that's why.

sigh.
i know karma exists.
while i'm here not liking ppl or what ppl does, i'm sure many out there thinks the same way of me too. i bet some ppl out there just hates me and wishes that i slip and fall flat on my face on a pile of dung or something.
damn. i made myself out to be so bad.
do you think i'm a nice person?
i think i am. NOT! lol. =D

maybe i should go on hiatus and go soul-searching or something.
MAYBE.
MAYBE NOT.

2005-01-20T21:50:00.000+08:00

i don't usually hate ppl.
but i have no idea why the hatred stays for this long for that her.
the sight of her just irks me.
i guess it had and will always remain this way.
for i do not hope for any changes.
i hope i do not bump into you anymore.
cos bumping into you makes me a hypocrite.
smiling widely to someone you detest, if not hypocrisy what is it then?
heh.

on a lighter note, i met my dearest friend during break today.
how i missed her! havent seen her for long!
and after school me and steff darling went to ps to apply for that job.
not me, her. haha.. i have a badddd reputation. so i didnt.
steff darling: thank you for accompanying me walk from one end to the other looking for a job but ended up with nothing. heh. and for the bitching session. that was fun! i didnt know we have much in common! lol! to hell with those people yah! :) i love you my sweet sweet darling!

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha to my fellow Muslim bloggers. =)

2005-01-17T22:05:00.000+08:00

rahhhhhhhh.
must it happen all the time?
must the ppl who were once close to me drift away just like that?
i'm so immuned to all this shit.
whatever whatever whatever whatever.

anyways.
Happy 19th Birthday to dearest Maisarah.
*hugs + kisses + balloons + confettis*
MUUACCCCKKKKSSS!

nissa's next in line.

2005-01-12T23:41:00.000+08:00

do you know that my bestie is the sweetest thing?
she actually fetch me home today from school!
not only that lah, knowing that i was having THE cramps, she came with my favourite turkey ham and cheese croissant from delifrance + water, AND the much needed panadols.
isn't she a dear? **BIGTIGHTHUGFORNADDIE**
thanks so much dearie. it means ALOT.
i love you!!!
and good luck with the tuition tmr. :)

2005-01-11T17:23:00.000+08:00

i hate having PMSes.
be it Pre, Present or Post, i have it all.
thing about PMSes is that they make me feel sucky.
for instance now.
i'm having no appetite (which is good), no mood and feeling so weak and lazy.
and the mind starts to wander around...
it makes me think ALOT. like. oh well the usual stuffs.

why am i still in this vicious cycle?
why is it that each time i get out of it, i will enter it again and everything repeats all over again.
i know very well that eventually nothing will come out of it.
and only you* know the reason why.
i can't say no to what the heart said yes to.
i am still in denial.
sigh.
how many of you who know me, really know me inside out? - not many.
how many of you who know who, what and how i really am, can accept me just as that? - again, not many.
i cannot just simply open up to anyone and everyone.
sometimes it's not about trust, it's just about acceptance.
i may just be that hideous monster inside, you'll never know.

2005-01-10T01:38:00.000+08:00

these girls i love!
shoutouts to the rest of my girls: BILA NAK KLUAR?!

2005-01-09T13:15:00.000+08:00

rightttttttttt. this IS my first entry of 2005. how slow can i get?!
can't blame me ait.
firstly, there's no time to. even if there is, after a long day in school i'd be too tired to even think of what to update about. secondly, i just don't feel like it uh. heh.
came back with a new layout. even so, this layout sucks don't you think so?
firstly cos i cannot stop being a narcissist. every layout must have my face in it.
secondly it's just darn plain cos i really have no inspiration to make any nicer template.
typical shimada has nothing positive to say with every entry that she blogs.

new year? any resolutions? nuh-uh.
didn't bother to have any since years ago cos NONE was ever fulfilled uh. so why bother?
nothing great happened in 2004.
learnt many things tho. learnt not only from own experiences but from others' as well.
somethings i lost, i retrieved. but some, remained lost.
it'd be such a cliche to say that we can't have everything we want it life.
that includes the people we love in our lives.
things just don't go our way no matter how much we want them to.
it's always 'ideally we want this but realistically we have this...'
oh well.
i just hope i can be a better person in every way; better daughter, better sister, better friend, better student? err maybe not uh. hahah...
i will try to take things in my stride, come what may.
lalallaala~

oh. not forgetting. 26th Dec Tsunami.
my deepest condolences to all the victims involved.
that was a wake up call to us all yup.
God is Almighty.
it is coming.

2004-12-29T23:09:00.000+08:00

i'm just so angry and sad with you.
i know it's no big deal to you... but...
sigh.

i know if i stayed home i'd end up feeling all so sucky.
so went tampines mall for a bit of retail therapy.
didnt really help this time.
cos im still angry.
sigh.

yesterday.
went to cut my hair! err. some ppl say no diff. some say shorter.
I DIDNT WANT IT TO BE SHORTER!
i merely asked for a trim.
dumbz stylist.
after which me and aan went town to meet my sis.
hunted for sis's school bag and specs.
i spotted a NICE blue n flowery Quiksilver bag........ and she bought it!
lalallaa.. i can use it tooo!
ok then made her specs. with a CUTE optometrist who happened to be my senior. aharks!
[ok all along aan was with his friend talking and tagging along with us.. haha..]
after got her stuff we went SB OB as usual to chill awhile.
heh. got home at 10 and got THAT look from dad.
-.-

still not done with my retail therapy yet.
gonna continue when i hv the freaking mood.
MNG sale at tamp mall sucks like nothing else.

bezzie's day out.

2004-12-25T21:00:00.000+08:00

i feeel soooooooo goooooooood today.

ask me why quick!

hehe i'll tell even if you dont ask.

today's bezzies' day out!
yeah! day out with naddie dearest. :)
hunted for her tudung for gradnight.
finally found it @ bugis.
dumdidumzz~ so nice u know!
ate @ zamzam.
chilled out @ starbucks.
me and my starbucks.
forever drinking rhumba frappucino.
and never got sick of it. heee~
and we snapped lotsa pics!
so shiok sendiri.
the starbucks ppl were staring at us.
maybe he even thought we're a pair of lesbos or something by the look of his shocked face when naddie and me were entangled at one point of time cos we were changing positions to pose. LOL!
ok so here are some of our pics...

i love my best friend so much you know?
heeeee.
and the rest of my girls too.
actually. i love so many many ppl so much. =D

2004-12-22T21:13:00.000+08:00

garghhhhhhhhhh!
u know what?!!
it's so confirmed that i have exotropia. or phoria. whatever.
point is. yes. one of those extraocular muscles has a problem.
hrmph.
i need prisms.
hrmph.
so ugly.
hrmph.

...

i wanna meet taufik batisah. can i?

...

and i swear
i'll be there
anytime you want me to
i'll be true, here for you
don't leave me lonely
cos i need you*

2004-12-16T21:51:00.000+08:00

today's a greattt day.. i like! :)
eventhough it was pretty sucky having to wake up at 6 for school at 8 for a boring lecture, the subsequent things which followed was pretty goood. :)
sayang, darling, dear, julie, ginette, weiqi and me went cine, eat fish wraps @ ljs. -yUmzz-
us being us, happily snapped many pics and exchanged files via bluetooth.
wakkakaka. bunch of siao charbohs excited over the wonders of technology. love them uh! :)
met lutfiah @ CB taka for a chat over coffee and cheesecake.. i like!
miss that girl so much. time is too short uh. love her toosh! :)
went back to school. for a boring practical. wakkaka. i dont like!
then hangedout with dearie izz @ starbucks tamp mall.
snapped more pics. hehhe... love her tooooooooo! :)
okeh. as u can tell, some few buckeroos flew away just like that today on all those coffees n foodstuff. so unlike me to spend so much on food n drinks. eeyukz.
and so im a happy girl. :)
love them all to bits and pieces.
not forgetting my girls.
and my adik of cos..
and you.
and you.
and you.
whoever you all are. hahhaha.

and YOU..... i like you lah! but you're sooooooo out of reach. hahhaa.

oh yah. to my lil sis: HAPPY BIRTHDAY u... u... *tooOoot*... lol! i owe u a birthday prezz uh. wait long long til i have tha money. owe u money somemore.

[ just a gist on yesterday: it was a good day too! cos i went to meet hedz n runni n aida n we crapped like mad together! i love! :) wanna c u guys again alrite. ]

schoolblues.

2004-12-14T17:00:00.000+08:00

i am soooooooooo sleepy...
yup just got back from school uh.
had to make socalled model of the eye with a pingpong ball just now.. we had colours of all sorts.. red eyes.. yellow.. blue.. hahhaa... crap.
yes lah.. school started already lah.. poor thing rite...
it's so weird to be schooling in dec that i kept losing track of time...
so far so goood.
no 8am classes just yet.
hahha.. the worse has yet to come.

anyhows.
semalam daku dibelanja Rhumba Frappucino yang teramatlah besar...
wakakakaka~
kesian ade manusia tu kene travel all the way..
melayan kerenahku punye pasal.
practically everyone thinks we're together when they bump into us.
padehal padehol. lol!

starting at 1pm again tmr.. thank God they cancelled practical.
2 hrs and that's it.
meetin up with runni.. then meetin peeps of CCKP'6A for a gathering @ mdm soon's place.
looking forward to see tha peeps. not all tho. heh.

ok dokez going to sleeeeep lah.. gonna wake up for double happiness.
tata!

2004-12-08T22:18:00.000+08:00

woooooooohoooooooo!
daddy booked test date - 28thFeb.
so bloody long rite. but good.
i dun hv to tension so much.
wheee~ i soo CAN wait. =)

TODAY!
went for drivin.
met dearest shafa to eat @ kakak's kedai kopi (?? shaf? hehe..)
talked alot [ok not THAT alot, wished we could talk more tho..] with dearest shafa.
watched School for Seduction with dearest shafa.
went to meet the other dearies @ surau.
all the dear girls went far east to makan.
then they went Starbucks to get their free drinks.
happy buncha ~~lil~~ BIG kids drinkin their free frappucinos.
i love my girls to bits and pieces.
and the Starbucks crews are so gila-gila. i likee. lol!

and so civil servants will get TONNES of money.
abangggggggggg............... belikan tu tu tu tu tu!
puhleeeeeeeez.
heh.
wish me luck with that ok.
i so need him to sponsor me.
i wish i'm a civil servant too!

2004-12-05T23:45:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhhh..... i just got back!
went to work in the morning and after that to tampines.
got a call from maklong, asking me and sis to town with daddy and nyai.
cancelled plan with mummy to go parkway.
walked around town abit and nyai did a lil shopping.
how i envy her!
i am soooooooo broke lah.
nyai and maklong went back first cos poor gramma's tired of walking already.
so me, sis and daddy lepaked and starbucks and treat ourselves to coffee.
talked cock and got high on caffeine. lol!
before that kin sent me an mms of her colleague taking a pic with TAUFIK!
TAUFIK was there at the starbucks yesterday!!!
wahahaha.
nvm i got the pic. THANKS KIN!
he looks sooooo cute! =)
ok now i hv to go remove my lenses... been more than 14 hrs already. uh.
GOODNIGHTS!

2004-12-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

decided to join them @ kakak's place.
weird.
talked more to abang than kakak.
but ok.
no. not really ok. haiz.
asked her out someday next week.
hope things will go fine.
hopefully...

2004-11-30T22:16:00.000+08:00

kakak...
i miss you so much, you know?...

2004-11-28T02:33:00.000+08:00

just what the hell is happening huh!
the man is with that.... woman...
and the nephew is with that woman's sister.
what fuck!
and one particular sister of that nephew SO DO NOT LIKE EITHER OF THE WOMEN.
YUCK.
one will be the sister-in-law.. the other will be the aunt-in-law?
God Forbids. heh. i'm mean. but who cares?

2004-11-26T23:19:00.000+08:00

i remembered what my bezzie naddie and i would ask each other after long time never meet or talk,
how's life?
family, friends, studies?

i just asked myself the same qns...
n i hv to say...
family's good.
friends... good and bad.
studies... oh who cares?
life on the whole..... ermz..
oh well. just when i thought things are back in place,
i just have to fall back into the pit of nothingness.

there are things to be glad for of cos.
most imptly, things btwn me n kin is fine again :)
and adik had been a great companion to me... :)
and i must say again 23/11 rocks.

anyhows.
watched SAW after work just now with runni.
tt girl is so funny lar!
but SAW kinda suck.
the story like hanging gitu.
dunno what exactly is it tryin to tell us.
den dropped by bro's workpl to say hi.. hehe.. someone so bz.
den went home lah.

oh ya.
bumped into shahidah and nab tha chiobu...
glad i did.. missed them so!

uh.
between me and some ppl.
i cant pretend things are okay when it's not.
*shrugs*

2004-11-25T22:09:00.000+08:00

VOTE FOR TAUFIK!
okay?

game over. i lost.

2004-11-24T21:18:00.000+08:00

it was like a game.
a game which i lost.
but i didnt wanna believe that i lost.

but now i realised.
that i'm the stupid one all along.
lost all my pride.
left all alone.

i shant stoop so low as to have it reduced to just that.
the past was much cherished,
the present couldnt be .. just that.. ya know what i mean?

i hope the next time we go out,
it'll be just like the last 2 hangouts:
HAPPY. =)
bro & sis forever yup?
muacks*

BOO MADA BOO!

2004-11-24T08:57:00.000+08:00

bad.
bad.
bad...

the worse.
i seriously didnt expect it to be THAT bad ok.

look at this.

CLINICAL OPTOMETRY 1 ----- B
OCULAR PHARMACOLOGY ----- C
OPHTHALMIC OPTICS ----- C+
INTRODUCTION TO CONTACT LENSES ----- C+
OCULAR PATHOLOGY 1 ----- D+
OCULAR PATHOLOGY 2 ----- D+

so rabak.
i'm so screwed ya know?

sigh.

on a lighter note, yesterday rawk!
i love you peeps so so much. :)

pissed

2004-11-21T01:53:00.000+08:00

heh im so pissed.
of all invited 3 came. [thankyouhedz4coming.ilu*]
that's why i slept so early in my kebaya even when guests are crowded outside.

anyhows.
to those whom i cant join for the jln raya on the tentatively 1st or 2nd or 3rd dec, i apologise.
blame it on my work schedule aye?

im tryin hard to refrain frm msging u 2 much. sigh.

2004-11-15T10:12:00.000+08:00

i thought i'm the sadist.
but you're even more sadistic to be inflicting hurt n pain on me again and again.
if you could tell me why, i can gladly accept all the shit.
but no... u insist on keeping mum.
maybe you need your time and space now.
fine, i'll leave you alone.
but as i said.. once you're ready to keep the friendship goin, tell me.
cos i'll be waiting.

2004-11-12T03:17:00.000+08:00

you know what?

i

fall

for

YOU

all over again.

as i've told you, you'll never be replaced.

feel as tho i don't know you and wanna know you all over again?
ridiculous?

i think so too.

2004-11-11T01:49:00.000+08:00

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY KIN!!
STAY HAPPY ALWAYS!!! :)
LOVEYABRO. MUACKS*
---

Kita tempuh segala rintangan
Kecundang jua menimpa
Kita telah mencuba segala
Namun tewas akhirnya
Putus tak bisa disambung
Kusut tak terhurai
Hilang tak bisa diganti
Patah kekeringan
Cinta terlarang bagai terbuang
Dalam rimba yang gelap dan penuh duri
Mestikah aku meratap
Membinasakan diriku
Atau ku biar saja ia berlalu
Sentuhan kali terakhir abadi dalam hatiku
Tak dapat ku menghalang perpisahan ini...

2004-11-10T18:03:00.000+08:00

thank you very much,
that hurts deeper than the blade which penetrated my skin.

2004-11-09T01:02:00.000+08:00

how come some people just cant stop being mean to each other?
is it ego or what? damn.

and what now.
argh.
i just had this sms conversation with kakak again.
which, as i guessed, ended up with.. some sorta hurting stuff.. yet again..??
maybe hurting is not the word.
just... misunderstanding. yes. again.
im beginnin to lose hope.
yeah i know i cant expect anythin in return. and i dont.
i know its been my fault all along.
i hurt. i disappoint. and whatnot.
but i need the chance.
i dont see any chance?
eventually it all points back at me.
me. myfault. everythin is.
some ppl dont like it when i keep sayin its my fault.
but it does seem that way isnt it?
fuck it aitz.

2004-11-06T20:00:00.000+08:00

after thus long i didnt see them, i realised today that i miss them so much.
miss talking rubbish, laughin and joking....
miss lepaking @ their place.
screwed- i screwed it up.
well done mada.

to you my dear friend,
i'm sorry i haven't been there for you.
now that you're in need, all i can do is put u up for a nite or two.
i'm sorry i aint of much help.
but i'll be there for you.
please come and talk to me when u need someone.
i'll be behind you in what you choose to do ok...
love you girl. *hugs*

ITS OVER!!! WHEEE!!!

2004-11-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

look. another new template. another narcissistic one.
haaa... how thickskinned can i get? ;P

oh and you know what?
the torturous exam period is finally over.
it had never been this torturous. Gawd.
and no... im not gonna do well at all...
i can predict the grades already...
if luck is on my side, i wont need to repeat that damn module.
*prays hard*

anyhows. went town with the girls just now.
FUN! seems so long since the last time we chilled out aye.
we'll have more girls day outs okay darlings?
but then again.. u girls are working.. I WANT A JOB TOO!

there's so many people i wanna meet now that enjoying period is here.
i wanna meet...
you....
NANA....
ada....
hedzlyn [& runni]....
farhan....
my girls [but they're having As...]...
izz!....
my angel..........(but i just dont hv the face to...)
sigh. i miss you guys you know.
tell me when you're free aitz.

oh! oh! ... coach's injured! awww...........
and my toro wasnt in any scene today...
and i hate yilin still.........
i'll hate her even more on monday.. heh!

someone.. anyone.. if u have any lobang for any job (sales preferably).. pls tell me.. thks.

eyecandy!

2004-11-03T13:23:00.000+08:00

Presenting to you.....
My latest eye candy..... *gRiNz*

and another one...

and them both!

2004-11-02T20:09:00.000+08:00

today's paper was the worst i've ever sat for in sp so far.
a paper i hv no teeny bit of confidence of passing. none. zilch. nada.
and that just have to mean that i have to repeat the fucking module come year 3.
no no no........ repeating is so out of the qn lah. sigh.
God will U just let me pass it? i dont even mind an E. sigh.
another paper tmr. and. im here blogging.
at least i know tmr's paper is passable.
just cos its my fave module. heh.
what am i even doing in school?

it's less than 2 weeks to raya.
how time really flies man.
as usual, am so not looking forward to it.
i dont think i even wanna jalan raya this time.
maybe just the first 2 compulsory days.
after which im just gonna get a job and work til sch opens again.
yup.
im off.

2004-10-31T04:50:00.000+08:00

I'm standing on a bridge
I'm waiting in the dark
I thought that you'd be here by now
There's nothing but the rain
No footsteps on the ground
I'm listening but there's no sound

songs related. herewithoutyou.

2004-10-26T17:07:00.000+08:00

do you relate songs to any particular event or any special day in your life?
i very much do.
some songs can bring me to way back into 5 yrs ago or so.
and i just listened to a few songs which reminds me of you.
and i reminisced the days you were in school with me.
i think the days in school were the sweetest.
cos when you left, things turn for the worse.
looking back to where it all started, i realised how coincidental things were.
sigh. i wish i could turn back time.
i still cant comprehend why He made our paths cross.
i'm left confused as to what to do, yet again.
all i know is, i hv no regrets having you in my life.
how true is the phrase "friends forever"?
will it apply to you and me?
will you let it?

study all day~

2004-10-25T23:24:00.000+08:00

went airport staff canteen to study with yanah and junqi today~
it was quite productive i must say..
thanks dearies~
studying plus alilbit of nonsense did me good. =)
and pretty yanah! i must say again! i love your hair!!! =D
and junqi swtheart, don't think so much k. don't give in too much. sometimes must play hard to get.. or he'll go over your head lah. *hughugs* we're all here for you k dear!
study with u 2 on fri again!

haiz. wanna type alot. but no mood liao. =|

i give up.

2004-10-25T10:06:00.000+08:00

in the past month or so,
u made me feel like im not needed.
my existence seems redundant.
i give up.

----

Broken this fragile thing now
And I can't, I can't pick up the pieces
And I've thrown my words all around
But I can't, I can't give you a reason
I feel so broken up (so broken up)
And I give up (I give up)
I just want to tell you so you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one that gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one

Made my mistakes, let you down
And I can't, I can't hold on for too long
Ran my whole life in the ground
And I can't, I can't get up when you're gone
And something's breaking up (breaking up)
I feel like giving up (like giving up)
I won't walk out until you know

Here I go, scream my lungs out and try to get to you
You are my only one
I let go, but there's just no one who gets me like you do
You are my only, my only one.

2004-10-23T16:11:00.000+08:00

look at me.
i'm procastinating again.
havent touched my book at all today! yAy!
alah. not my fault. the day didnt go according to plan lah.
supposed to go study with aan bro today.
BUT I HAD TO WAKE UP WITH A SWOLLEN EYE out of the blue.
cam kene tumbuk gitu.
and i have no idea why.
my guess was it being an allergic infection.
just like my classmate had the other day, only mine was more swollen.
it wasnt til 11+am that i realise i had to apply cold compressor. chEh! applying pharmacology lak. *chokes*

anyhows. i wasted time on bed til about 12+ lah.
idling in front of the pc.. and whatnot.
then followed my parents go ntuc buy groceries.. how can i miss that..
with me around their belanje always exceeds what they intend to buy!
lallalaa~ im a happy girl eventho im slacking now.
digging my own grave again.

dad was talking about how my other cousins are either being spoilt or neglected til their studies screw up.
he keep telling me the reason why he's strict wit me and sibs is that it's for our own good.
yeah.. i've long understood that.
it benefits us alot that our parents are strict with us.
knowing myself, i tend to abuse freedom.
lookin at our cousins.. most of them are like.. goners lah, in the sense they just heck bout their studies n all.
not lookin down.. but it's just the horrible truth.
i would probably end up in a bad way if i hadnt been to crescent and met ppl like my girls.
yup, thank God.
but sadly i'm far away from a good girl looking from another direction. sigh.

Been a naughty girl
Real bad so and so
Done too many things a girl shouldn't know.......

oh well. i shall go help mummy in the kitchen.
gotta go break fast at grand's today~ tata!

examstress!

2004-10-21T05:26:00.000+08:00

dangz. i failed another test. -_-
the lecturer was nagging and nagging as usual.
about how we should have the passion for optometry...
yadahyadahyadah.
she said we should reconsider our option in life if we don't have the interest in it...
oh puhleez. after spending a bomb u think any of us would just walk out of the damn course like that?
even if we DONT WANT to stay, we HAVE TO stay.
sigh. actually i had been thinkin abt gettin out since last semester.
but i wasnt sure. and mum and dad told me to try another semester.
and this semester involves alot of money, so i cant possibly walk out of the course just like that.
and so u can see my grades goin downhill.
getting worse each semester since 1st sem in 1st year.
i just don't know where my interest really lies in...
it's like i have this liking abit here and there in many things...
not passion or anythin.
is it normal to be thinkin like this at this stage?
or am i just being a brat of a loser?

ever since i started to give up just before the O's 2 years ago,
giving up comes easily for me.
i didnt give my best since Os.
shit.. counsel me someone.
i'm bein a fuckin hell of a quitter.

but then again.
there's nothing wrong in having just Olevel cert rite?
and working odd jobs like being a sales person or somethin?
i mean... kiter carik makan halal pe.....
i dont understand why people will tend to look at us differently when they know we dont wanna continue our studies anymore.
yeah yeah singapore is all about getting those useless papers.
screw the education system yah.

i'm stayin on solely cos of my parents.
they've worked so hard, getting us this far.
it's not fair to them if i just give up.
eventho they always respect our decision in what we wanna do.
bro completed his diploma education.
i have to do it too.
one and the half more years to go.
i'll find some ways to build my passion. lol.

i'm not half the person i used to be.
i mean.. i used to have dreams of being the first among all my cousins, to get a degree.
but look at me now.
giving up after each small failure.
i thought i was the best among my siblings.
hell no.
lil sis is getting smarter and smarter.
so sis, ya better work hard for your Os.
get that one digit points and make me jealous and all of us proud aitz?
ur one smart asshole (ooops) to be slacking like hell but yet score in the end.
i'm different. it takes so much effort to do well. sigh.
u go get that 10 pts and i'll go treat u to........ hmmmmm.. talk about it next year yah. ;p

ok why the hell did i blab so much this morning uh?
somethin wrong somewhere in the head.
yeh of cos i havent done studyin for today's test, i can kick myself for falling aslp AGAIN last nite.
okaywokayz i'll leave AND go study yah.
to everyone who's having or gonna have exams soon, ALL THE WAY k!

sucky pharm.

2004-10-19T15:40:00.000+08:00

arghh today's test was shit.
got everything mixed up.....
if i could just get 40% of the paper it'd be a miracle. heh.
anyhows. glad i passed the 2 modules.
the rest depends on tmr onwards til 5th nov.
it's always during exam time when i feel like quitting.
so freaking stressful.
my classmates are all aiming high... As and Bs and whatnots.
and me? heh. a C is the most i can afford, lookin at how slack i had been this sem.
it's really pressurizing to have smart and hardworking classmates.
arghhhhhhhh! the pressure is goin up.. i hope i wont explode.

2004-10-17T19:56:00.000+08:00

hoho~ went to study with izz @ CB today...
interesting lah that girl..
funn study with her =)
to izz: darlingg.. both of u very pretty sia! ;)

anyhows.
i need to think things thru.
i've been goin round and round and getting nowhere.
to you: what is it did i do this time?
sigh.
God, please help me.

2 prac tests and 1 theory test tmr.
tests are sickening the shit out of me lah.
i give up 30% already... n its counting.......

time to update

2004-10-16T20:29:00.000+08:00

ok time to update!
been MIA these days. BUSY lah!
same routine everytime, go sch then go out study~
NO LIFE i tell ya.
exams around the corner.
but study hasn't been too productive.
screwing up almost all the tests.
having 8 tests this coming week.
and the next week'll be exams. groans* where's our study break?
mudah-mudahan can get berkat having tests and exams during Ramadhan uh?
speaking of Ramadhan! it's here again! yay! =)
i love Ramadhans. but dislikes Hari Rayas. hrmp.

anyhows.
been studying lots with hedz.
thanks girl for the company. was fun! =)
got to make some new friends too.

today was out studyin @ lib@orc with the best friend.
that strong girl.
aihz. shit happens yar?
i'm glad you're takin it quite well.
keep on going yar darling? *bighugs*
dont think so much and study for your A's.
to the rest of my darlings mugging for their A's... ALL THE BEST.

nana darl? hope ya doing fine.

to all bloggers, Selamat Berpuasa.

2004-10-09T21:43:00.000+08:00

i'm like so lost in my own world.
not thinkin of any consequences of what i'm doin.
i cant live up to people's expectations of me.
ppl say i've changed.
maybe i have.
maybe i've not.
i really don't know.
the only change i can think of is that i've become more and more nonchalant.
to anythin and everythin.
shrugs*

---

where do i stand?

2004-10-06T05:55:00.000+08:00

one moment u made me happy.
at another, u took away that happiness with that cold shoulder u gave.
just where do i stand?
the least u can do is tell.
please. i'm begging you.

My tea's gone cold I'm wondering why
I got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window
and I can't see at all
And even if I could it'd all be gray,
but your picture ~~on my wall~~ in my heart
It reminds me, that it's not so bad, it's not so bad...

2004-10-03T21:11:00.000+08:00

tonight's Cold Storage's Dinner & Dance.
and obviously i didnt go.
heh. don't know what to wear lah.
iza told me they're having fun! wahliew make me jealous only.
blahz~ anyways i hv early sch tmr and i hv lotsa work undone.
*groans*
exam's just 3 weeks away.
and i'm only starting to revise.
forever digging my own grave.
STEFF! JUNQI! must motivate me to study lar.
you 2 so guai liao always study wan.
not to mention YANAHHH! u hv lots to teach me syg!

had a teeny weeny retail therapy just now.
lallalalaa~
but im not that happy.
cos the shoe that i wanted has no size for me!!!
how unlucky.
boo. =((((((
gonna check out @ other converse outlets.
ok ok i'll shuddup. needa go do report. CYA!

welcome to my life.

2004-10-03T21:04:00.000+08:00

Do you ever feel like breaking down?
Do you ever feel out of place?
Like somehow you just dont belong
And no one understands you
Do you ever wanna run away?
Do you lock yourself in your room?
With the radio on turned up so loud
That no one hears you screaming
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me
To be hurt
To feel lost
To be left out in the dark
To be kicked
When you're down
To feel like you've been pushed around
To be on the edge of breaking down
And no one's there to save you
No you don't know what it's like
Welcome to my life

Do you wanna be somebody else?
Are you sick of feeling so left out?
Are you desperate to find something more
Before your life is over?
Are you stuck inside a world you hate?
Are you sick of everyone around?
With the big fake smiles and stupid lies
While deep inside you're bleeding
No you don't know what it's like
When nothing feels alright
You don't know what it's like to be like me.

2004-10-03T07:38:00.000+08:00

Are you aware of what you make me feel, baby?
Right now I feel invisible to you, like I'm not real...

thks nad

2004-09-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

thanks naddie for that bright sunshiny sunflower.
it so did brighten up my day.
like the sunflower, you never fail to brighten up my days.
**huge best-fren hug**
love you naddie.

2004-09-28T23:15:00.000+08:00

things never fail to piss me off these days.
shit i tell you.
i found out this morning that the baju kebaya sent for tailoring ended up all wrong cos the auntie swapped the kain and the baju.
IT'S INFURIATING!!! i am so not going to wear it.
and mum paid like 90 bux for the kain?
thks to the fishhead auntie.

the guy friend i trusted turned me off with his insulting words.
dont know what he takes me for.
a note for you: just fuck off.

the sister who was once the closest being to me doesnt understand me, dont know wat i want and dont know what else to say to me already (or so i've heard...).
the close friend too, had enough me already.
wonder if the best friend feels the same way too?

NO im not blaming anyone.
neither am i asking for any sympathy.
no point explaining anything anymore.
the more i talk, the more im misunderstood.
so just a note.
just accept me however i am alrite?
if you cant, then nothin can be done.

2004-09-25T11:17:00.000+08:00

so pissed off today!
went all the way to sch with bro to practise slit lamp only to find that the wrong rooms were booked.
end up going home. f***!

on a lighter note, last night's driv prac was quite smooth.
there still were lil blunders here and there but wasnt as bad.
dont know when the hell will i finally get a license.

went arnd to search for our class tee yest with julie, yanah and ginette.
saw what we wanted but had some problems with the sizes.
hmmz... cant wait for the class tee to be ready.
we then end up eating @ sakura.
somebody who doesnt wanna eat ended up eating the whole plate of mee goreng.
dont know how that somebody can lose weight when she keeps eating and eating. =<

today is just not my day yarh.
things dont go according to plan.
supposed to go out study, cancelled.
supposed to do prac, cancelled.
i'll probably spend the day at home, sleeping.

-----

i miss kakak.
we're drifting further and further apart.
so apart i forgot when's the last time we were close.
i remembered how tight a bond we used to share.
she was there for me all the time.
she laughed when i laughed.
she cried when i cried.
we'd go home together after school almost everyday.
at least once every week we'd go makan together.
heh. just look at now.
i hardly see her around.
and she's living just opposite my block.
things just cant be the same anymore, can it?
it's all strained.
who's to blame u ask?
who else but me.
=(

another break up?

2004-09-18T22:22:00.000+08:00

had a good time with yanah & junqi & steff today.
went anatolia to eat then walk and walk and walk arnd then eat again.
of cos.. talked alot.
we'll do it again sometime yea girlss? =)

and IT has to happen to my best friend again.
why do THEY always take my best friend for granted?
dont THEY realise how STUPID THEY are to lose my best friend?
why are THEY all the same?
HE made me believe that there are still GOOD THEM around.
HE's the last person i thought who'll hurt my best friend.
what a disappointment.
i hope HE think it thru.
i hope HE knows what HE wants.
i hope HE doesnt regret it.
and i hope HE knows its his HUGE LOSS. SHAME ON YOU!

talking to naddie and sammie just now made me realise...
that they've become more and more matured... and stronger...
and they made me go .. 'woahh..' inside.
and me? im still the same me. boo to that.
when will i ever grow up?
fluctuating arnd the same things in the vicious cycle.
but i had a reason to be proud of myself.
for that sense knocked like FINALLY.

Girls in white.

2004-09-14T18:20:00.000+08:00

hoho!
the girls of dopt2A01 decided to wear white tops with skirts today.
and dear julie brought her cam along...
so yup snapped pics along the corridor while waiting for ocular pharm.
not many pics tho.

this is the chiobu and me!

G.I.W = Girls in white!

and us again!

i *love* these girls.
so girls.. what's next?
all of us wearing a dress next? how about a pink one? hahaha..

ok im bored so here's more pics.
these are taken @ zouk on 7thsept.

ms seventeen finalists... pretty pretty!

i'm off to watch my channel8 now! later!

2004-09-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

it bleeds but the heart bleeds more.
its painful but the heart suffers more.

Ain't no headlights on the road tonight
Ain't nobody here to make it right
Cause we couldn't seem to find a way
For love to stay
If you had another night to give
I would have another night to live
But you're ~~never~~ gonna see me cry the last goodbye.....

2004-09-13T20:41:00.000+08:00

I SCREWED UP MY PRACT TEST BIG TIME!
heh. like as if it's something to be proud of heh?
of cos im not proud of that! tsk!
sure kena retest la.
the lecturer already damn pissed off with me.
maybe i really should switch to a design course.
how about Digital Media Design @ NYP?
NANAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! can i join u?

anyhows...
some ppl are so not happy with me.
ok lah fine, i know they do have a very good reason to not be happy with me.
but i cannot please everyone k.
or should i say, im not goin to please anyone.
i know u care bout me.
but i dont.
and i know i'm screwing up.
but.. just let me be ok?
i appreciate your concern.

memories

2004-09-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

stayed home all day today to rest.
been tired the whole week, been out and about.
and so i took the chance to reminisce my crescent days.
looked thru some photos... rummaged for my uniform... opened up the box of letters...
i just have to say that crescent is where my life is the sweetest.
the friends.. the teachers.. the homely school itself.
we sure took things for granted.
human nature.
we begin to appreciate most things only after they pass us by.
the typical line we'd say wud be.. 'if only i could turn back time...'
i'd give anything to relive those days again. really.

i miss
1) walking up and down the hill
2) going to mobil after school (and sitting behind mobil eating like refugees..)
3) groaning about mass runs and PE with sammie esp...
4) the canteen food
5) hml classes
6) purposely coming to sch late to miss mass run and went tbp for brkfast instead and sneaking into sch aft that
7) wearing the sch uniform
8) trying to hide from the discipline mistresses for wearing coloured sports bra
9) 1e4, 2e4, 3S2 n 4S2
10) consultation hours
11) the teachers and my girls
12) .. oh.. i can go on and on listing things i miss abt crescent.
sigh. point is, i miss crescent.

"May Crescent remain in our hearts..."
i even miss singing the school song...

thank you.

2004-09-06T23:56:00.000+08:00

i just wanna dedicate this entry to my friends.

to nad, sam, nana, ada, hedzlyn: thanks for listening to my endless rantings of you-know-what.. for understanding, for sparing me time out of your busy schedules just to hear me out and give me words of advice which i often didnt follow.. and yet, u girls still stood by me no matter what.. thank you so much for being patient wit me...

to shikin: thks for tolerating me all this while.. for the smile you bring everytime i cry.. for everything...

to steff, junqi and yanah: thanks for spicing up each of my day with joy and laughter... really appreciate it... you girls rock my world in sch.. and on msn.. =) love my darling dear n syg so much!

to shafa, nadzi, mai & my cres dearies: you girls are the best and the dearest.

to aan: thanks dik! for layaning me with all tha smses.. to crap n bullshit arnd... but no thks to u for always bullying me.. =p

to dam: not as if you'll read this. but just a note of thks, for bein there when i need someone to talk to.. even if it's just sms.

to ALL my friends: i'd be empty without all of you. you all sure make my world a better place in a way or another. and that includes you fellow bloggers. love all of ya so much. muacks*

.........

xiang hui dao guo qu

shi zhe bao ni zai huai li

xiu qie de lian dai you yi dian zhi qi

xiang kan ni de kan de shi jie

xiang zai ni meng de hua mian

zhi yao kao zai yi qi jiu neng gan jue tian mi

xiang hui dao guo qu

shi zhe rang gu shi ji xu

zhi shao bu zai rang ni li wo er qu

fen san shi jian de zhu yi

zhe ci hui bao de geng jin

zhe yang wan liu bu zhi hai lai bu lai de ji

xiang hui dao guo qu

happy today.

2004-09-04T22:45:00.000+08:00

see how happy i can be when you are there to put that smile on my face?
=)
wheeee~ im a happy girl today.. and U know why...

---

i am so looking forward to going the Seventeen's party @ zouk this coming tues.
NO! not looking forward cos it's partyin @ zouk.. (i don't club or party arnd mind you.)
but rather looking forward to see julie being one of Ms 17 nominees contesting for the title.
i hope that pretty classmate of ours will win.
all the best julie. =)

home alone now.
mum n dad's away in penang.
bro out celebrating his birthday.
sis @ grandma's.
and me?
IM HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!
anyone care to whip up somethin for me? pleaseeeee?

back again

2004-09-03T01:56:00.000+08:00

finally! i can update.
dont know what virus is there in my comp which prevents me from typing a new entry everytime i wanna update. sickening~ time to reformat everythin i guess.

almost 2am now and im wide awake.
yes, yes.. trying to study for tmr's test as usual.. or shud i say later..
the procastinator always studies last minute.
hoping that she could remember at least 50% of whatever's gonna be tested.
and all the time she gets just 50% of the marks.
heh... a leopard never change its spots lah yah.
i so don't fancy memorising stuffs. yuck!
i seriously don't know what i'm good at lah.
i like practical, but i cant do practical without knowing my theory rite?
so yah everythin just isnt right for me in this course.
i wanna do design.
i wanna do hairstyling.
i wanna do photography.
i wanna do baking.
ambitious huh?
but i need to at least graduate and get the dip for opto first.

tmr's last day of the term.
the week break gonna be busy i guess.
with work, and clinic practice and driving practicals.
i hope i can find time for myself, and my friends.

to think i ponteng sch today to study for the test,
but ended up doing nothin..
still got some blanks in my 7 practical reports which is due tmr.
am i dead.. or am i dead? x_x

up to mischief.

2004-08-18T22:38:00.000+08:00

uhhuH. o_O
my pc has all sorta viruses and popups and spywares.
whoever started all this nonsense huh.. making ppl's lives difficult only.

somethin darn embarrassing happened during prac today.
tsk! whoever know about it.. ermz.. hushhush k. hehee..
it wasnt intentional!!!!! *face flushing red*

nothing to blog about these days.
nothing happening happened.
the lazy bum is trying to get back on track with studies.
cant afford to sit for anymore tests unprepared.
wish me luck.

went starbucks to study + do tut just now.
miraculously i was able to concentrate with what i was doing. heh.
drank two tall rhumba frappucino until so muak! eeyukz.

im beat.
going off to lalaland soon.
good nights.

fuckedup.

2004-08-15T00:50:00.000+08:00

im so fucking angry.
it happened to my previous phone which was new at that time and it has to happen to my new phone now. caused by the same idiot.
if there's one person in the house who can make my blood boil to the max, it has to be her.
was freaking tired from work and having a freaking headache, i took a nap intending to wake up at 2 to study for a test on monday, only to be awakened at 12+am by the sound of my phone crashing onto the floor.
how fucking irritating can that be?
i took such great care of my phone and someone can just 'accidentally' let it crash onto the floor with just a mere 'sorry'? i hate you.

the school's web system has to screw up when i had to look up for my lecture notes to study.
GREAT. thanks a lot.

happy =)

2004-08-12T23:39:00.000+08:00

lallalaa~ im back. miss me? NOT i bet.
feel happy today. cos...
i went out!
no big deal ya say?
it is! it is!
been eons since i last hanged out man.
thanks to no work for a week.
went town with bro shopping for grad clothes!
bro so cutez heh. so femme.... =p
anyhows, i was happy.

hmmss... dear, darling and sayang, i shall post pics frm the short bangkok trip here kae.
some pics only.. me very paiseh to show the rest.. not that many pics anyways.

me and mum and dad in the plane

me and sis

reached bangkok airport!

first thing we do upon reaching Amari Watergate Hotel...

loving sisters heh? NOPE! we're like cats and dogs.

dumdidummz.. waiting for dunno what at hotel lobby.

MahBoonKrong: the shopping mall in which I got lost.

did i tell u mum's bag kena slit open while shopping at Pratunam Market?

Setooopid thief!

that very first night there was dad's company dinner. yeah SSDC's 20th Anniversary dinner no dance. thinking that all driving instructors and their spouses would turn up all dressed up, the 2 daughters of instructor Jamal bought dresses (a type of clothes the girls only wear once in a pink moon when there's no choice left) esp for the event. much to our surprise, most of the people present didnt bother to dress up at all! some even wore tee and jeans! luckily mine was just a simple dress. but sis came in with her shawl and all. aharks!

the mum and the dad @ dinner

and the EXTRA daughters

the end lah. nothing much done during the trip. weather was either too hot or raining. so yah not much shopping done. the next time i go there must bring lotsa money to splurge. oh before i go.....

i love this kid! muhammad audi.

meaningful day~

2004-08-06T22:04:00.000+08:00

my blog's been dead for a few days ey~
no time to update lah.
what's new besides school work school work?
the only change is it gets more and more stressful each day.
finding it damn hard to cope with school esp clinical opt.
can't seem to get the procedures and technique correct. =(

anyways. the date today means alot to me.
once, it made a difference to my life.
happier.
taught me somethin new.
if only i could turn back time...
what's left now?
still the same on my part... but.. oh well.
you are the one who can make moments last forever
the one that makes the sunshine wherever you go
you are the one, why make it harder than it has to be
just listen... i'll give you love if you give me your heart...
it was the song.
heh.
*shrugs*

school ended early today...
Qi dear n Steph darlin you lucky bitches,
don't have to catch up much!
i still miss you 2 tho! hehe =)
i should have skipped school and went back to crescent with my girls.
nevertheless got to see them @ kakak's eating place @ the last minute.
terubat sikit rasa rindu...
didnt get to catch up much with them tho... sadness!
naddie, shafa, we'll meet again during the week break ok!
study date that is!
till we meet again girls, muacks! love ya!

will be off to bangkok tmr morning~
it's no break for me lah, since i have to bring my pathology notes to study for next week's test.
advanced HAPPY NATIONAL DAY to you people yeah!

so much for my happy ending

2004-08-01T21:55:00.000+08:00

THIS LAYOUT SUCKS DOESNT IT?
like some dumb ass being patriotic to the nation or something.
retarded.
anyhow manipulated with the html codes last night when i'm supposed to be asleep.
will come up with somethin new, not anytime soon of cos.

the conference yesterday was dumb.
its not even worth mentioning it here.
but i hv some pics of my mates stolen from steff's site. heh.

waiting....

my partners-in-crime

the few melayus

and today suck as well.
driving pract 2 was hellish. =(
this week will be more packed than the last.
wonder how i'll cope.....

i dont even have time for myself for the past month or so.....
thank God there's the short Bangkok trip to look forward to at the end of the week.

i miss my girls badly. naddieeee... sammieee.. nanaaaa.. everyoneeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-07-30T17:36:00.000+08:00

feeling so lethargic.
skipped school again.
the virus loves me so much aye.
damn lucky for me lim's class was cancelled, else sure kena get it from her man.

i like the song by Ocean Ou De Yang.
Gu dan bei ban qiu.
whatever that means.
can anyone gimme the translation of the lyrics?
steph? qi?

tmr have to go Alexandra Hospital for some conference on...
Continuing Optometry Education [or somethin like that]..
hahha gimme free fees oso i dont want lah!
as it is im already struggling.
bahh.

i am missing so many many ppl.
will be back to update again later.~

cant believe i splurge it all.
i wasn't broke only for a few hours.
someone SLAP me.

no life

2004-07-27T11:21:00.000+08:00

feeling naughty today so decided to skip school without an mc.
blah. flu's bugging me and im mentally tired.
a day's rest will do me some good i hope.

havent updated for a week! no time!
i've got no time for many things these days.
no time
-to c kakak
-to c naddie
-to c sam
-to c darl
-to c bro
-to c any of my girls
-to watch movie
-to hang out after sch
-to clean my room

in short, like steff darlin said, i have no life.
heh.

facing some major problems coping with sch too.

so today won't be much of a rest.
gotta review the steps for practical.
freaking tough lah.............
wonder if im the slowest in class...

will update again later yup.
gotta go back to arranging some stuff.

monday bluex

2004-07-19T22:40:00.000+08:00

Another monday! yikes!
One pract was fun.. the other was hell i tell ya.
Me being me only know how to act smart cos scared kena scold by the prof. heh.
In actual fact there's 1001 things i have no idea about.
Gotta practise on more eyes to get the hang of it lah yah. tsk.
But no time to stay back after school lehz.. how?
*shrugs*

First drivin prac yesterday was fun!
Muahahaha~
Almost rammed into the divider and the car in front if not for dad braking and swerving the steering for me.
I realised dad's job isnt easy at all man.
Needs lots and lotsa patience.
His own daughter didnt make his job any easier also. =P
Loooking forward to prac 2. whEeee~

hurt

2004-07-18T10:00:00.000+08:00

*warning*

this is an emo entry.

shooo if you hate emo stuff.

click on the 'x' on your extreme top right hand corner.

---

have you ever

been so close to some ppl or rather someone,

felt so loved, felt pure happiness with that some ppl

but as time goes by

you just get more and more distant?

and you just wish you could turn back time...

have you?

they said that's how life is.

people come and go.

good things don't last forever.

but then again,

it's all up to individuals

whether or not they put in the effort

to maintain that relationship

or just let it slip away slowly...

right?

humans being humans always takes things for granted,

somehow or the other.

and i am one of those humans.

and now i wish i could turn back time.

to those times with those impt ppl in my life.

i shouldn't be saying this i know.

instead i should say that i will make the best out of the current situation right?

but i don't know how to.

don't know where to start picking up the pieces of whatever's left.

don't even know what's left?

another thing...

how do you feel

when you really love someone

but can never be with that person

for serious reasons...

and so you settled as friends...

but you can't give and take more that what the person is willing to take and give from/to you?

just how do you keep everyone you love close to you?

or is it just life that some of those ppl just have to be distant from you?

*sigh*

I miss you, you, you, you, you, you, you and you.

more than words can say.

but i love all of you. really i do.

---

ok. back to normal me.

lemme ask you this...

you look at me,

what do you see?

first impression?

muahaha.

manager: banyak orang kate muka aku garang dan sombong, tul tak?

me: garang adelah, sombong tak tau pulak. orang pun kate muka saya sombong seh. tapi memang betul lah.

manager: muka kau sombong? muka kau mane sombong, muka kau muka kesian!

me: silent. then laughter.

lol~ instead of agreeing that i have an arrogant face she said i have a pathetic face?

aint that worlds apart.

tsk!

oklah gotta go get ready for first pract @ ssdc.

hope dad is all patient teaching me to drive aye?

wish me luck.

heh.

Good Sunday to everyone!

tiREd!!!!

2004-07-16T23:48:00.000+08:00

oh cool!
just noticed the new toolbar on blogger.
can upload image directly here??
k im slow. prolly cos hvnt been updating yar.

anyways! im feelin kinda hyper all of a sudden.
when im actually realllyy tiredd...
went to ssdc to get my pdl, then to school, then one lecture was cancelled so was let off early, then went to expo to meet mummy and bought kains for baju kurong, then off to work.
i was so spoiled all this while at work but today was different.
kena tekan by manager lah. do this and that. carry this carry that. dangz.
other staffs can pamper me but not this one. =

anyhows. did i tell u i love my kains?!!
hopefully the tailor can sew it rite.
otherwise i'll end up hating my baju. hrmphz.
u better do it rite tailor, or elseee.........

class peeps going sentosa tmr...
and im working. urghhh.
have fun ppl!
haish haish haish!

i wanna type so many things but... lazy lah!
so til later!

bloggerss!! have a nice weekend!!!
*muACkies*

oh so emo

2004-07-12T01:29:00.000+08:00

"When I can't sleep at night without holding you tight
- Each time I try I just break down and cry
Pain in my head oh I'd rather be dead
Spinnin' around and around

Although we've come to the end of the road
Still I can't let you go
It's unnatural, you belong to me, I belong to you...."

suddenly feeling oh-so-emo. hhurhur.

thinkin of........
well, read my mind. =D

Monday blues gettin to me.
Cant even get to sleep.
Hmm hope to c someone in school tmr.
Lalallaa~

happy birthday my angel...

2004-07-11T12:25:00.000+08:00

first and foremost,
Happy birthday kakak!!
will she read it? *shrugz*
Gotta go over her place later to pass her some stuff.
Hope she'll like the leetle things i got for her.

It's 7-eleven day today!
Good thing i'm not working.
else it'll be a busy day.
with typical singaporeans who'll go grab the free stuffs offered.

so it's sunday again.
here's what to be done today, starting the moment i off this pc.

1) rush off to TM to get something
2) get ready all there is for ......
3) go down to opposite block
4) upon returnin home, start on the i-dunno-how-many-but-i-know-there's-many assignments to be done
5) repeat 4
6) repeat 4
7) repeat 4
.....
oh u get the idea.
i'll be in trouble if i don't complete those rubbish.

so bloggers...
i bet you have things in store for a great sunday like this, unlike me.
great sunday to all of ya!

nv judge.

2004-07-06T23:58:00.000+08:00

helllooo!!!
im so kerazeee!!
and it's all cos of school!
some professor is driving me nuts.
costs of equipments n books are mounting up to a figure i cant figure out how to get.
of cos lah parents will pay but.. heart pain sia!
what if...
after all those purchase i decided to...
choy! i'll kill myself if i quit the course.
but seriously.
i don't know if i'm up to it.
to become an optometrist.
hEh!
whatever.

anyways. rushed off to work from sch.
gotta take cab quarter-way.
dangs. i really must learn not to anyhow think of ppl in any way before knowing them.
my new manager wasnt so bad after all.
she does look intimidating and all.
she was fierce to me initially.
talking to me in that tone i dont like.
but later she's quite okay lah.
not as bad as what my dear colleague made her out to be.
everyone there is nice lah! i like!

8am tmr! gotta sleeep!
Good Night world.

sucks lah!

2004-07-02T11:01:00.000+08:00

aye im not really lookin forward to school anymore.
im separated from steff! and junqi, for practs.
who's gonna bitch with me then?
school system's screwed lah!
so im still stuck with you-know-who.
im not being childish lah but you-know-who tests my patience most of the time and being me i don't really have much of patience.
yes im talking about Lord Voldermort. hurhur. whatever.

i've got nothin to blog about..
work again later.
i requested to work 5 days nx week too.
im so broke i tell ya.
yes even after allowance came in.
still have hp bill to pay, which is extra high this month i don't know why.
and that leaves me with abt 60 bucks for the month for food.
wheeee~ im so asking for it. =)
nvm hope my plan with steff works.
too much fatty deposits already. kept eating junks @ work.
so........
45kg- here we come!
muakakkakaka =P

change?

2004-06-30T00:03:00.000+08:00

im freakin tired today.
tmr's finally my off day after 5 days.
but off days doesnt make any difference at all cos i'll be out still.
i just realised i havent stay put at home for any single day for 3 weeks already.
my body's aching. *feels like an old lady*

hoho! school's openin next week.
i so dont miss school lah!
school=long hours=irritating lecturers=stupid reports=dumb tests=stressful exams
but i do miss somethings...
like,
my crazy fwens [u noe whu u r esp u steff =D],
mee soto
free periods(!!)
3 hr breaks (!!!!)
skipping lectures (!!!!!!)
early dismissals (!!!!!!!!)
and something i never can hv again in sch.
i sure hope second year's gonna be much better than the first.
with the stronger bonds created over the past few months.
im looking forward to the hands on stuff.
what with the retinoscope and ophthalmoscope which we're gonna spend a million dollars on.
ok fine im exaggerating. haha.
wonder how work+school is like. heh.

bah. think i have lotsa reflections to do.
but havent found the time yet.
like...
what have i turned out to be now?
its been shuffling from bad to worse to good then.. what?
*shrugs*
am i getting more and more nonchalant?
about anything and everything?
i dont know.
i'd rather not think about anything.
cos if i do, trouble is sure to crop up.
for the past few weeks my life's revolving around work.
and nothing else.
heh i dont know what's my point in this para of my entry.
i have no point.
just that i need to reflect on myself, and do somethin abt myself.
God knows when.

Tmr's final theory.
arks. havent got the time to study.
still dont know a lot of things.
hope i can pass.

i'm still not satisfied abt the fact that i didnt see Arwahnya for so long and the fact that i can never do ever again. =(

a lost one.

2004-06-27T01:02:00.000+08:00

mum called while i was at work.
told her i was busy and will call back.
called back.. only to find out that GrandUncle has passed away.
shocked.
couldnt believe it.
Tok Alil? passed away?
No way.
even at this very moment it's hard to register into the head.
felt like a dream.
and i couldnt leave work early cos there's only the 2 of us.
so left at ten, fetched by mum and dad.
went straight to jurong west.
i still felt dazy.
didnt feel real.
saw the covered body in the room, yes.
but i didnt get to see him.
i cant remember the last time i saw him.
it was quite sometime ago.
and to think i'll never see him again.......
the saddest thing was, nobody got to see the last of him.
noone was at home when he collapsed.
it was diagnosed as ischaemic heart disease.
sudden lack of oxygen.
Ya Allah, Kau cucuri lah rahmat ke atas rohnya.
Kau ampunkanlah dosa-dosanya.
Kau berikanlah kekuatan kpd isteri dan anak-anaknya dan lindungi lah mereka. Amin.
of all nyai's siblings, he's the only one i'm close to.
he always talked nonsense when i see him, n that made me laugh.
either that, or he'll tease me.
like maklong said just now,
"dah takde orang yang kacau2 kite..."
i couldn't help but cry when i heard that.
and i cried more when i saw his youngest son cried.
he's only 10.
my heart breaks to c him cry.
sigh...can't go over to jurong again tmr cos im workin mornin.
i can only pray for him.
i'll miss you, Tok Alil.

depression

2004-06-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

that was due to that history back then.
and it has to be noticed just now.
oh God help me.
i knew i was being silly then.
but then was then.
there's no need to rake up the past ey?
sorry you have to see that mummy.
it was depression. just that and nothin else.

and kakak.
i know im not alone.
i know you're there. always there.
but you ought to know that i hate disappointin u.
if i keep somethin frm u it merely means that somethin is gonna disappoint u.
you know what i mean?
i'd rather take it out on myself.

for yous-who-catch-no-ball-in-the-above,
the ball isnt meant for yous to catch.
thanks for reading anyway! haha.

slacked at work today.
too many ppl working!
so we bullied someone. hehe. mean us.
i think that person was pissed with us lah.
but who cares. we dont like him.
i dont usually take breaks.
but i had two lepakings just now. whee~

off again tmr.
have to go ssdc again. revision again.
and im gonna fail again. heh.